This weekend marks 8 years since my mother passed away on July 12, 2011, and as with any major life event, the anniversary brings a time of reflection and assessment. It’s been quite a ride: highest highs and lowest lows.
My time of paralyzing loss was followed by new normals, daily adjustments, and new vision. Surrender to God and His best good led me to take a giant step away from my career in physical therapy and to seek His direction as He began calling me to ministry. At first the call came faintly, here, there, a whisper, “love them,” “Do what I created you to do,” “It’s time to step forward and lead.” Later the call became stronger, as God literally began to shape my circumstances to allow me a seminary educaiton and the resources to pursue it. Where God Guides, He provides.
My best days in life have come since that call to ministry. I think perhaps the biggest privilege I’ve ever known was the realization God had truly chosen and called me and had provided for me to pursue His will in an amazing way that I’d never imagined for myself. I also can remember some amazing days with my family in amazing places, where only the privileged get to go. How is it, God, that you have blessed me so? Now, here I am 8 years later, education under my belt, new friendships, a part-time position at my church, and more volunteer opportunities than I can count.
But it’s not been what I pictured. I’ve also faced the hardest and darkest days of my life since my calling. It’s been so hard at times I’ve had difficulty getting out of bed and I couldn’t concentrate to save myself. I’ve asked God many times, “Is this what you called me for?” And crazy if He didn’t say, “Yes.” He called me to hard things. Like Jesus’ fishing disciples, I left my net by the water’s edge, rejoicing in what God was about to do. But I’d forgotten the fate of all but two of the apostles: They died at the hands of others (and Judas by his own hand). This tough realization is both a great challenge and a victory.
Like Captain Hernán Cortés who landed in eastern Mexico in 1519 and promptly told his crew to burn the ships, I can’t look back. God has amazingly provided for me to be right where I am today through much pain and many tears. He’s also given me great privilege and responsibility.
So I march on, listening for orders that might come soflty, as did my call at first, or orders which might come in a hurricane, drowning out all other noise. Here’s my jam about it, thanks to Steven Curtis Chapman. No turnig back, Burn the Ships! Click the title and listen along…
Burn the Ships
In the spring of 1519 a Spanish fleet set sail
Cortez told his sailors this mission must not fail
On the eastern shore of Mexico they landed with great dreams
But the hardships of the new world make them restless and weak Quietly they whispered, “Let’s sail back to the life we knew”
But the one who led them there was saying “Burn the ships. We’re here to stay
There’s no way we could go back
Now that we’ve come this far by faith
Burn the ships we’ve passed the point of no return
Our life is here so let the ships burn and burn.” In the spring of new beginnings a searching heart set sail
Looking for a new life and a love that would not fail
On the shores of grace and mercy we landed with great joy
But an enemy was waiting to steal, kill, and destroy Quietly he whispers, “Go back to the life you know”
But the one who led us here is saying “Burn the ships. We’re here to stay
There’s no way we could go back
Now that we’ve come this far by faith
Burn the ships we’ve passed the point of no return
Our life is here so let the ships burn and burn.”
Lord God, may I not be overcome. May I continue to follow, certian of my calling, and more certain of your provision in every circumstance, for “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service.” Luke 9:62. Bring me back to days that I understand. May I be quiet and listen. May I be confident in the direction of your call. And most of all, may I not look back.